Before I Change My Mind
This is a post that goes down the path of really difficult. It may not be as flippant, or sarcastic as those I have already written.
Before I go on, I want to shout that, "I love my daughter more than ice cream". Oops, I digressed a little. But hey, humor is a god way to make something painful more manageable.
My Michelin baby is now a beatiful grown young lady. And so special...she amazes me everyday.
But her journey hasn't been easy. Don't get me wrong, there have been laughs, the true belly laughs that after having a baby may require Depends - and experiences - we have had so many.
Stop, you're doing it again. Masking in humor and bullshit.
So let me introduce you to the true intent of my post. OCD.
OCD sucks. It's so painful. And I am just the witness. Sometimes I want to come unglued when I hear people say, "I am so OCD." - Shut the "F" up.
OCD isn't a quirk. It's a life changing debilitating mental health issue. The kind that takes a promising life and makes it it's own. Fear and anxiety is it's weapon. From morning to night, riding along like the biggest asshole she's ever met. Telling her things over and over again, planting seeds of doubt in a brain so bright and destined for great.
And so what do I do? Usually all the wrong things. Reassuring, helping, accommodating - but I am a mom. Yes, I am a mom. And I'm also the person who has to step back and walk away when that asshole is taking her to a place where she can't think beyond the need to erase the anxiety. Counting, tapping, up and down the stairs, stuck in the shower for an hour because nothing feels right. A body riddled with tics that physically hurt, not able to role over in bed, or eat.
I'm so pissed off. Why my daughter? Why anyone? No one should have to live this pain.
For today, I ask you to think about the worst thing you could ever imagine. Now imagine, that thought replaying itself over and over again, like a vinyl record skipping. Over and over and over again.
Except you can't reach the record player to turn it off.
But she is strong. Every day, I am amazed at her resilience. Her talents that she doesn't even realize she has, her empathy for others. And man, is she brave. The risk taker I only aspire to be.
She counts.
The Take Two Playlist: Tiny Dictator - Sophie May
Might be alarming but it's life with OCD.
I feel your pain. You are a strong woman too!!