Introduce "Anxiety"
Updated: Sep 27
Selfishly, I started writing for me. No one else, just an anonymous blog that would allow me to put thoughts to paper - well not paper, but tangible. An accountability that would push me to ask the hard questions.
And I am trying. But it is harder than I imagined. Years of keeping everything inside have locked me up tighter than a drum. The "Really Difficult" posts have been abbreviated because as much as I try, I still can't let go.
My heart races, my breathe quickens.
My lifelong friend, "Anxiety".
As much as he's hindering everything I want in life, he is what I know. We share coffee, question what we should eat, evaluate all of our decisions, overanalyze, and judge me.
He's there when I wake up, when I sleep, and when I'm laying awake at 4:00 in the morning - uncertainty my wake up call.
And he's relentless. So many doubts.
I feel him in my chest, my stomach, and circling my brain like a young thoroughbred -planting seeds of doubt where flowers should grow, creating shadows where sunlight shines, and binding hands that should play the 40-year old guitar.
Earlier I referred to him as my friend which with reflection is ridiculous. A friend doesn't tell me that I'm carrying to many pounds around my middle, that I sang off tune at Karaoke, that I didn't accomplish enough today, or ever - or that I am worthless.
A friend does not make you feel like life is not worth living.
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